I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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