Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
