you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
