Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Randomize
