I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
