I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
