***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
