It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
