Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
