I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
