I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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