There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
