VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
50% drunk capacity currently
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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