I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
