My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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