I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
