I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
