I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
