Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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