the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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