Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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