You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
