I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
