Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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