Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
