i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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