Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
