I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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