So drunk its hurt
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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