Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
