WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
