Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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