if i can run in heels then i can drive
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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