my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
