I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
