maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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