I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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