I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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