Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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