Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
