is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
