Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
