I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
