your parents love me but you hate me
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
