you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
