My sheets look like a crime scene.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
