Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
