He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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