I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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