What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
