On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
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