Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
