Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
