Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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