turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
