Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
