sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Sorry about my life...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
