the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize