I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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