Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
