Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
